One of the more interesting activities to do in Thailand is to watch the enormous variety of tourists that flock here during all months of the year. Find yourself an inconspicuous little bar stool or blind under a banyan tree, have your field binoculars ready, and a notebook to write down remarkable spottings, and you’re all set. For those of you new to the hobby, here is just a partial listing of the Tourist Types you’re likely to find in Thailand, with their proper Latin names:
· Crocus fossor. A very common species, endemic in Thailand. You will know this creature by its vulgar colors, huge belly, distinctive Midwest bellow, and aggressive behavior around Thai people. It routinely trumpets to mark its territory and entice bar girls. The Thais have learned to domesticate it to the extent that they can milk the savage beast out of thousands of baht per day; otherwise I’m sure they would slaughter them wholesale as a pest.
· Queribundus furcifer. Becoming more common all the time in Thailand. Zoologists speculate this species originally migrated from the British Isles. Its plaintive bleat, whenever it is presented with a bill, is very distinctive, as well as annoying. It spends most of its time in the shade, quibbling with cab drivers, waiters, and hotel clerks, about insignificant sums of money. Its facial expression is akin to that of a dill pickle. It flaps its arms in alarm at the approach of anything that it considers mediocre, which is everything. While apparently very uncomfortable in its current Thai habitat, it is very slow to migrate to new territory. Its young ,however, are very mobile, traveling with a backpack and a scowl. Older specimens tend to inhabit air-conditioned buses, which they rarely leave except to defecate.
· Crapula tornacense. Strictly nocturnal, these creatures can be found in abundance around any watering hole in Thailand. The stronger the water, the better they like it. They are completely unpredictable during their watering periods, either growing drowsy and maudlin or frisky and querulous . They mark their territory by expelling the contents of their stomach onto the ground around them. Thais do not like to come upon them in the dark, as their breath is said to cause baldness and cirrhosis of the liver. During the daytime they huddle in sad masses in darkened bedrooms, drinking ice water and feebly squawking “Never again!”
· Vorax gluto. These porcine creatures have an amazing sense of smell. They can sniff out the smallest plate of mango with sticky rice or green papaya salad, even if it’s miles away. Indiscriminate browsers and omnivores, they have been known to nibble on road kill when dinner is still an hour away. The Thais have a superstitious dread of walking across their shadow, since they believe that one of these immense creatures might possibly choke on a mangosteen and topple over on them at any time. Their depredations at buffet tables must be seen to be believed.
· Humilis viator. An endangered species in Thailand, it is becoming rarer every day. Quiet, meek, mild, and polite, the Humilis viator asks permission prior to snapping photographs of people and places, pays its bill promptly and without complaint, and gives the appearance of being genuinely glad to be in Thailand. If you spot one of these remarkable creatures, please shoot it, stuff it, and have it sent to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C.
